Just a quick thought on the troubles in Palestine, heres two extracts from wikepedia.
"Zionism (Hebrew: ציונות, Tsiyonut) is a form of nationalism of Jews and Jewish culture that supports a Jewish nation state in territory defined as the Land of Israel. Zionism supports Jews upholding their Jewish identity and opposes the
assimilation of Jews into other societies and has advocated the return
of Jews to Israel as a means for Jews to be liberated from anti-Semitic discrimination, exclusion, and persecution that has occurred in other societies "
"Nazism ..... Major elements of Nazism have been described as far-right,
such as allowing domination of society by people deemed racially
superior, while purging society of people declared inferior which were
said to be a threat to national survival.......
The Nazis promoted German territorial expansionism to gain Lebensraum ("living space") for
German settlers and to bring labor, food and materials into the nation for growth."
See any similarities? Its like in school when the bullied grew up to become a bully
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Time to make more Time
Polyphasic sleep!
I heard of this a year ago and now its appeared again in a book I'm reading.
Imagine living life with 2 hours sleep a day and not being tired? That would give me an extra 3 months a year.
Our essential 8 hourse sleep routine is a myth. Invented in the industrial revolution to suit the 9-5 man.
Different cultures through-out history have had different sleeping patterns. Man can survive on 20 minute naps every 4 hours, it's been proven. The long term side effects are unknown however.... Living on siesta's alone.
The transition from sleeping at night to napping now and then is apparently living hell until your brain readjusts itself but an extra 6 hours in the day would reap so many benifits!
If you don't believe then just google Uberman sleep. For now I need to do more research.
I heard of this a year ago and now its appeared again in a book I'm reading.
Imagine living life with 2 hours sleep a day and not being tired? That would give me an extra 3 months a year.
Our essential 8 hourse sleep routine is a myth. Invented in the industrial revolution to suit the 9-5 man.
Different cultures through-out history have had different sleeping patterns. Man can survive on 20 minute naps every 4 hours, it's been proven. The long term side effects are unknown however.... Living on siesta's alone.
The transition from sleeping at night to napping now and then is apparently living hell until your brain readjusts itself but an extra 6 hours in the day would reap so many benifits!
If you don't believe then just google Uberman sleep. For now I need to do more research.
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals
My friend recently spoke of the one. She recently meet a guy whom she said "could be the one".
The one is that person who makes you feel needed, indispensable and wants to climb up your butt crack and mate with your ego. I don't blame her for looking out for this guy
Its wired into her brains by TV, Church, Parents etc. to find someone compatible that considers you of their standards and labels it marriage.
Has anyone ever heard of lek mating in animals?
Its when a bunch of male Grouse gather in a field and female Grouse wonder about until they find a suitable alpha male to shag and then leave. Usually this means that maybe 2 male grouse fertilize 50 fighting female grouse. Animals eh?
But is this much different to the TV show "Take Me Out"?
Or 3am in the night club?
Our generation in growing up in a world where men please women and women complain about it...
Why?
Because women wanted equal rights and now your realizing that you got loving men and had more power when you were oppressed.
Not too long ago women waited to be charmed by a nice man, now women hit the streets in packs on Saturday nights and hunt down prince Charming.
Everyday I see a couple where the girl has assumed the role of the alpha male. Supporting her bitch in Chinos that she charmed in the nightclub with her fat ass.
Marriage no longer means happy ever after. Its more like when a stud dog is shagging the bitch in heat and his dick swells up meaning they are briefly stuck together for an awkward moment after sex.... That is animal marriage....
Are we so different?
None of your childhood love stories started with, "he bought me a jaeger bomb".
In every animal there is the gender that chases, charms and courts. Almost always the male.
Women stop chasing after that guy, your only going to upset yourselves.
Someday a guy will love you half as much as his own ego.
The one is that person who makes you feel needed, indispensable and wants to climb up your butt crack and mate with your ego. I don't blame her for looking out for this guy
Its wired into her brains by TV, Church, Parents etc. to find someone compatible that considers you of their standards and labels it marriage.
Has anyone ever heard of lek mating in animals?
Its when a bunch of male Grouse gather in a field and female Grouse wonder about until they find a suitable alpha male to shag and then leave. Usually this means that maybe 2 male grouse fertilize 50 fighting female grouse. Animals eh?
But is this much different to the TV show "Take Me Out"?
Or 3am in the night club?
Our generation in growing up in a world where men please women and women complain about it...
Why?
Because women wanted equal rights and now your realizing that you got loving men and had more power when you were oppressed.
Not too long ago women waited to be charmed by a nice man, now women hit the streets in packs on Saturday nights and hunt down prince Charming.
Everyday I see a couple where the girl has assumed the role of the alpha male. Supporting her bitch in Chinos that she charmed in the nightclub with her fat ass.
Marriage no longer means happy ever after. Its more like when a stud dog is shagging the bitch in heat and his dick swells up meaning they are briefly stuck together for an awkward moment after sex.... That is animal marriage....
Are we so different?
None of your childhood love stories started with, "he bought me a jaeger bomb".
In every animal there is the gender that chases, charms and courts. Almost always the male.
Women stop chasing after that guy, your only going to upset yourselves.
Someday a guy will love you half as much as his own ego.
Friday, 5 October 2012
Hummingbird, Cupid of the World
Many things in society don't make sense such as our Universal Symbol for love. A red heart which happens to look nothing like the organism that pumps blood around our bodies. I have no idea where this symbol has originated from after all emotions initiate in the brain but then again a valentines day card with a fat brain on the cover might not come across as romantic.
Sex comes at a cost you see. When a man spots a fine fertile lady young lady whom he wishes to court and shag then there is expenses. Valentines day is built around the cost of sex. Flowers, Dinner, Chocolate, time etc. Are spent in the process. Many men will claim that they wish to date a woman for the companionship and friendship, I say shut the fuck up. We have friendship with our families and friends. Companionship can be got from a pet goldfish. The ultimate goal of our subconscious is reproduction with the best genes we can whether we deny it or not. We find companionship with our lovers as a by-product of our sexual attraction to them.
The hummingbird symbolizes the cost of sex. Its place in nature is to pollinate ornithophilous flowers.
Some flowers have evolved to various shades of red, orange, and bright pink. This narrow color spectrum may render hummingbird-pollinated flowers relatively inconspicuous to most insects, thereby reducing nectar robbing. The flowers rely on the Hummingbird for sex to occur and so they have co-evolved. Hummingbirds are the middle-man in the sex of flowers, what brings two flowers together to get freaky and so would make a better symbol for our "middle man" of romance.
Of course society has got its many ways to bypass our old fashioned "middle man", for example Fling.com, tequila etc.....
I suggest a new symbol, natures master of flight the "Hummingbird".
Sex comes at a cost you see. When a man spots a fine fertile lady young lady whom he wishes to court and shag then there is expenses. Valentines day is built around the cost of sex. Flowers, Dinner, Chocolate, time etc. Are spent in the process. Many men will claim that they wish to date a woman for the companionship and friendship, I say shut the fuck up. We have friendship with our families and friends. Companionship can be got from a pet goldfish. The ultimate goal of our subconscious is reproduction with the best genes we can whether we deny it or not. We find companionship with our lovers as a by-product of our sexual attraction to them.
The hummingbird symbolizes the cost of sex. Its place in nature is to pollinate ornithophilous flowers.
Some flowers have evolved to various shades of red, orange, and bright pink. This narrow color spectrum may render hummingbird-pollinated flowers relatively inconspicuous to most insects, thereby reducing nectar robbing. The flowers rely on the Hummingbird for sex to occur and so they have co-evolved. Hummingbirds are the middle-man in the sex of flowers, what brings two flowers together to get freaky and so would make a better symbol for our "middle man" of romance.
Of course society has got its many ways to bypass our old fashioned "middle man", for example Fling.com, tequila etc.....
Thursday, 30 August 2012
When Insect Pigs Fly
Whilst walking home from work today with a can of Tuborg I was being followed by a hungry bumble bee intrigued by the scent.
Not in the mood to entertain my guest I tried to swat it away but it ducked and dived with skill to avoid my blows.
Bumble bees can only live about 4 weeks at the most yet they master flight so efficiently, it made me wonder. How long does it take us to walk? It took us until the 20th Century to fly but somehow the least aerodynamic and ridiculously fat insect has been flying for millions. Scientists have calculated that the bumble bee shouldn't be capable of flight but yet in its own ignorance it beats its wings 3000 times a minute turning them around at the end of each stroke to get from flower to flower continuing the task set for them by nature.
We might think we are clever but nature is far more wise.
Not in the mood to entertain my guest I tried to swat it away but it ducked and dived with skill to avoid my blows.
Bumble bees can only live about 4 weeks at the most yet they master flight so efficiently, it made me wonder. How long does it take us to walk? It took us until the 20th Century to fly but somehow the least aerodynamic and ridiculously fat insect has been flying for millions. Scientists have calculated that the bumble bee shouldn't be capable of flight but yet in its own ignorance it beats its wings 3000 times a minute turning them around at the end of each stroke to get from flower to flower continuing the task set for them by nature.
We might think we are clever but nature is far more wise.
Friday, 24 August 2012
A Corsa's Epitaph
When Lord Dooku knelt at Anakin Skywalkers feet beacuse his lighsabher was lost. Do you think Anakin was wrong to chop his head off?
Dooku was unarmed but he was still a villain and represented the Dark Side of the force.
In a similar fashion am I a murderer for driving an Opel Corsa to its death, knowing the head gasket was gone and the oil flooded with coolant?
The 1.0 Corsa B still had another months test but its a Corsa, the kind of car an aspiring football hooligan might drive.
So no by my logic I did us all a favour by sending her to the scrapyard. Cost me 130 Euro but I made that back off the scrap and alloys and what have I learnt from the experience?
Dooku was unarmed but he was still a villain and represented the Dark Side of the force.
In a similar fashion am I a murderer for driving an Opel Corsa to its death, knowing the head gasket was gone and the oil flooded with coolant?
The 1.0 Corsa B still had another months test but its a Corsa, the kind of car an aspiring football hooligan might drive.
So no by my logic I did us all a favour by sending her to the scrapyard. Cost me 130 Euro but I made that back off the scrap and alloys and what have I learnt from the experience?
- If its worth its own weight in scrap metal then buy it but don't spend a penny on it.
- Don't buy from a Polish Cowboy (The Sump plug was stuck on with silicone, who does that?)
- 3 cylinders is like a bike with only one pedal, you aren't getting up hills fast!
- Never buy Opel/Vauxhall again (Crap cars and a nightmare to work on)
Now it can be melted down and upgraded in life to a metal wheel-barrow or something.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Mrs. Annie Jerkins the Scam Artist
Came across a con-artist whilst searching for a flat in Glasgow. Her emails were far too professional and just look at the passport! Faker then Pamela Anderson's tits.
Watch out for annjerkins@hotmail.co.uk. She has been emailing me for a deposit up front before viewing the flat. I told her to give me fellatio, no reply as of yet.
Watch out for annjerkins@hotmail.co.uk. She has been emailing me for a deposit up front before viewing the flat. I told her to give me fellatio, no reply as of yet.
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Being a kid just dosen't look fun these days
I think we had it good in the nineties, We came just after the "All I got for Christmas was a jigsaw and an apple" phase and just before the "All I got for Christmas was a smart phone to check in on Facebook wherever I am so Mammy doesn't worry that I've been captured by a sex trafficker" phase.
I remember my days around the age of 10 where my imagination ruled my reality. My week was very straight forward, There was school which was long but the time flew playing tag, sports, bullying the girls and sticking gum underneath tables. The social aspect of my week was Hurling training and games every two or three evenings, a fellow child's birthday party or spotting another kid at mass on a Sunday. The rest of the week was "My Time" to be spent however I pleased.
Time in my room was spent with Lego which today is just not the same. Its all themed like Lego City or Lego Dragons etc. In my day I just had a big box of little bricks and no instructions, you could spend all day trying to make something that resembled absolutely nothing!
TV was so much better too, it wasn't something that made you square eyed and thick as a plank. Star Wars and Pokemon were like Cocaine for your Junkie Imagination, video games were much better too. Who can forget Civilization 2, Age of Empires 2 or Pokemon Red? All Strategy games that could be played over and over again.
Outside there was the woods where I could go hunting in search of a fossil or skeletons (Inspired by Jurassic Park) and collect acorns and chestnuts with my cousin but now the woods are chopped down or there's people parked up in a Corolla Van riding.
Any bit of a hill had to be scaled up and down on bikes, go-karts, Skate Boards until our knees could be seen through our trousers but now you will probably die as every hill has a pothole because our County Council workers seem to all have a rare form of leprosy.
Then there was that friend too who you could hang out with now and then, the one who brought cigarettes to school and whose parents seemed so relaxed. We would play with fire and "Grand Theft Auto San Andreas" but now kids don't have that opportunity because parents no longer see "Sure he's in my class" as a good enough reason to trust another 10 year old. Sure he could introduce their poor little boy to Heroin.
I'm glad to have had my childhood when I did. Life is full of stress for poor kids today compared to just a few years ago, they need to speak about three languages in school, know algebra, understand that there not too be racist, know how to unroll a condom and eat their 5 a day by the time their 10. But the main reason there is no time for climbing trees is because they have to get dolled up for their latest facebook profile picture. If Micheal Jackson's private life tought us one lesson it's that Parents should avoid stressing kids and let them mature in their own time otherwise they end up mad as a bag of cats in heat.
I remember my days around the age of 10 where my imagination ruled my reality. My week was very straight forward, There was school which was long but the time flew playing tag, sports, bullying the girls and sticking gum underneath tables. The social aspect of my week was Hurling training and games every two or three evenings, a fellow child's birthday party or spotting another kid at mass on a Sunday. The rest of the week was "My Time" to be spent however I pleased.
Time in my room was spent with Lego which today is just not the same. Its all themed like Lego City or Lego Dragons etc. In my day I just had a big box of little bricks and no instructions, you could spend all day trying to make something that resembled absolutely nothing!
TV was so much better too, it wasn't something that made you square eyed and thick as a plank. Star Wars and Pokemon were like Cocaine for your Junkie Imagination, video games were much better too. Who can forget Civilization 2, Age of Empires 2 or Pokemon Red? All Strategy games that could be played over and over again.
Outside there was the woods where I could go hunting in search of a fossil or skeletons (Inspired by Jurassic Park) and collect acorns and chestnuts with my cousin but now the woods are chopped down or there's people parked up in a Corolla Van riding.
Any bit of a hill had to be scaled up and down on bikes, go-karts, Skate Boards until our knees could be seen through our trousers but now you will probably die as every hill has a pothole because our County Council workers seem to all have a rare form of leprosy.
Then there was that friend too who you could hang out with now and then, the one who brought cigarettes to school and whose parents seemed so relaxed. We would play with fire and "Grand Theft Auto San Andreas" but now kids don't have that opportunity because parents no longer see "Sure he's in my class" as a good enough reason to trust another 10 year old. Sure he could introduce their poor little boy to Heroin.
I'm glad to have had my childhood when I did. Life is full of stress for poor kids today compared to just a few years ago, they need to speak about three languages in school, know algebra, understand that there not too be racist, know how to unroll a condom and eat their 5 a day by the time their 10. But the main reason there is no time for climbing trees is because they have to get dolled up for their latest facebook profile picture. If Micheal Jackson's private life tought us one lesson it's that Parents should avoid stressing kids and let them mature in their own time otherwise they end up mad as a bag of cats in heat.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
You Can't Deny History
After living in Glasgow for two years I have to wonder are they thought history over there? Every night in any given pub in Glasgow if my accent gets heard then I'm likely to get a lecture on politics from some retired council worker who can speak 5 words of Gaelic but claims to be fluent or some Celtic supporter who puts a drop of lemonade in his larger. Its always the same.
A)"Your like our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"
or
B)"Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"
Ok lets go with statement A first
"Our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"
usually this is followed by "where are you from?"
"Kilkenny"
"Is that North or South?"
Ok well if you have never heard of Ireland's fifth largest city well then sir YOU ARE NOT IRISH
And the Celtic neighbors? Thats a good one. There is no proof that the Celts ever settled in Ireland and why would they come all the way from Central Europe to settle on this Bog? Celtic Ireland was basically just a romantic idea coined in the 20th century for tourism.
Statement B) "Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"
While England has a lot to apologies for, this is hilarious. You see when Northern Ireland was planted back in the 17 century there was no Ryanair so do you think that the English went out of their way to sail thousands up North to the most rebellious and barbaric part of Ireland? Use your common sense of geography here guys.....
The Ulster Protestants/Presbyterians/Orange Order/Unionists are from Scotland not England! Thats why they call themselves Ulster Scots for crying out loud. So next time your dancing around with your watered down larger signing "Fuck the UDA" it might occur that if you are a Scottish Protestant or Presbyterian that they are your Scottish cousins and you can take them back whenever you want.
A)"Your like our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"
or
B)"Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"
Ok lets go with statement A first
"Our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"
usually this is followed by "where are you from?"
"Kilkenny"
"Is that North or South?"
Ok well if you have never heard of Ireland's fifth largest city well then sir YOU ARE NOT IRISH
And the Celtic neighbors? Thats a good one. There is no proof that the Celts ever settled in Ireland and why would they come all the way from Central Europe to settle on this Bog? Celtic Ireland was basically just a romantic idea coined in the 20th century for tourism.
Statement B) "Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"
While England has a lot to apologies for, this is hilarious. You see when Northern Ireland was planted back in the 17 century there was no Ryanair so do you think that the English went out of their way to sail thousands up North to the most rebellious and barbaric part of Ireland? Use your common sense of geography here guys.....
The Ulster Protestants/Presbyterians/Orange Order/Unionists are from Scotland not England! Thats why they call themselves Ulster Scots for crying out loud. So next time your dancing around with your watered down larger signing "Fuck the UDA" it might occur that if you are a Scottish Protestant or Presbyterian that they are your Scottish cousins and you can take them back whenever you want.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Music is Free, If its Good I'll go to your Concert
Downloading music from youtube converters and torrent websites is illegal and apparently the music artists don't enjoy the fact that we listen to their hard work this way. No surprise really, the singers with talent complain about everything. Eminem writes 90% of his songs about his mother, the fact he has to tour or his daughters mother. Then there's Adele who screams about how she desperately needs to get a good ride and they also get in a mood when we download their music for free but really why should they be?
Most albums now only have like two or three good songs, usually the ones that were released as singles but the rest is just there to fill the CD.
Most of the money gets spent on heroin which is obvious as most our favorite singers keep kicking the bucket once their knee deep in cash.
Most singers make the best music before their rich, take Kanye West for example, his first two albums were brilliant but then he decided to re-invent the wheel with his own genre of robot singing.
So to put it plain and simple its your own fault Snoop Doggy Dogg, you did go from gangster rapping with Tupac to singing musicals with Katy Perry once you got filthy rich so don't blame me for not buying your music. The disc is about as practical as a leather condom in this day and age of MP3 and latex and about as compact as a kangaroo.
Most albums now only have like two or three good songs, usually the ones that were released as singles but the rest is just there to fill the CD.
Most of the money gets spent on heroin which is obvious as most our favorite singers keep kicking the bucket once their knee deep in cash.
Most singers make the best music before their rich, take Kanye West for example, his first two albums were brilliant but then he decided to re-invent the wheel with his own genre of robot singing.
So to put it plain and simple its your own fault Snoop Doggy Dogg, you did go from gangster rapping with Tupac to singing musicals with Katy Perry once you got filthy rich so don't blame me for not buying your music. The disc is about as practical as a leather condom in this day and age of MP3 and latex and about as compact as a kangaroo.
Sunday, 10 June 2012
2012 to be F1's Finest Season
I'm loving the Formula 1 season so far with seven different winners in seven races, the unpredictability has me glued to the sky channel. Well done to Hamilton today he's not my favorite but he still put in a great performance, all it needs now is for Kimi to be crowned comeback king ahead of Schumacher and win a race. He's quite the character unlike some of the other racers who come across almost robot like. I can't imagine Vettel tearing into a curry chip after a night out on the beer for example.
Monday, 4 June 2012
Diamond Jubilee, Why bother?
I really don't understand this whole Royal family hype at all. The money the
government must have spent on this Jubilee and the singers at it, Robbie, Kylie, Elton, Cheryl and lots more. Its a far more impressive lineup
then any of them Live-Aid charity concerts and for what?
Nostalgia? Pride?
Remembrance of an undemocratic time when inbreeds ruled the nation and Britain could claim to own a vast empire spanning across the world colonising America and teaching Indians cricket.
Well today she's basically just an old woman living on welfare except shes in a big fancy house and is given a pointless title, and what has she done to get there? Absolutely nothing, she was born into it. I hope the British tax-payer realises soon what a waste of 67 pence a year the whole thing is, they could use that 67 pence to buy some paper-mache make a crown and declare themselves Duchess of the Playground.
Remembrance of an undemocratic time when inbreeds ruled the nation and Britain could claim to own a vast empire spanning across the world colonising America and teaching Indians cricket.
Well today she's basically just an old woman living on welfare except shes in a big fancy house and is given a pointless title, and what has she done to get there? Absolutely nothing, she was born into it. I hope the British tax-payer realises soon what a waste of 67 pence a year the whole thing is, they could use that 67 pence to buy some paper-mache make a crown and declare themselves Duchess of the Playground.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Beware of Green Politics
Extreme idealism and power mix like sambuca and your ATM card (not very well) in fact its a disaster but yet through out history its happened yet again and again and we just don't learn our lesson. Fascists, Communists, Religious Fundamentalists and an idealism born in the 1970s "Green Politics" have been and continue to be let into Governments.
Idealists all see the world as completely imperfect and strive to build a new one which is perfect (to them). For example Hitler believed the imperfections of the world were caused by people whom he saw as merely subhuman (Jews, Slavic, Gays etc.) and lets just say Africa are very lucky Russia. America and the Spitfire stopped the Nazi's. His Ideology brain-washed a nation and made it OK to murder millions if it ment his Aryan race lived in a "perfect world". Then there's Stalin another idealist who would happily have people who he tought of as selfish (Capitalists) murdered to help achieve his Communist ideology or Castro who single handedly ruined a beautiful Island trying to create his ideal world. So where am I going with this?
Well I don't think that letting the vegetarians into government means that all non smart-car drivers will be shipped off to concentration camps. I mean to a lesser extent other government problems will be put to the side like say healthcare or unemployment because the lesbian vegetarian President is busy spending money on windmills and a new police force for protecting the fox and enforcing the ban on vintage cars with no catalytic converters. Whilst politicians with aims and goals make good politicians (otherwise their power hungry accountants) ones who view the world as being full of imperfections and speak of radical change to make a better tomorrow for our kids are living in a fantasy world and don't belong in power!
Don't get me wrong I do believe that stuff like recycling (Got any Scrap Metal lad?) is important but any politician who takes a fold-up bicycle to work and refers to "Fire-men" as "Fire-Fighters" should be let no where near a political party. Just because we have caused so much pollution in the last 2 minutes of geographical time doesn't mean we need to stop everything and save the polar bear. I quite enjoy my lifestyle and like to know I have the freedom to throw my fridge in a lake if I feel like it without having to worry about the death penalty.
Idealists all see the world as completely imperfect and strive to build a new one which is perfect (to them). For example Hitler believed the imperfections of the world were caused by people whom he saw as merely subhuman (Jews, Slavic, Gays etc.) and lets just say Africa are very lucky Russia. America and the Spitfire stopped the Nazi's. His Ideology brain-washed a nation and made it OK to murder millions if it ment his Aryan race lived in a "perfect world". Then there's Stalin another idealist who would happily have people who he tought of as selfish (Capitalists) murdered to help achieve his Communist ideology or Castro who single handedly ruined a beautiful Island trying to create his ideal world. So where am I going with this?
Well I don't think that letting the vegetarians into government means that all non smart-car drivers will be shipped off to concentration camps. I mean to a lesser extent other government problems will be put to the side like say healthcare or unemployment because the lesbian vegetarian President is busy spending money on windmills and a new police force for protecting the fox and enforcing the ban on vintage cars with no catalytic converters. Whilst politicians with aims and goals make good politicians (otherwise their power hungry accountants) ones who view the world as being full of imperfections and speak of radical change to make a better tomorrow for our kids are living in a fantasy world and don't belong in power!
Don't get me wrong I do believe that stuff like recycling (Got any Scrap Metal lad?) is important but any politician who takes a fold-up bicycle to work and refers to "Fire-men" as "Fire-Fighters" should be let no where near a political party. Just because we have caused so much pollution in the last 2 minutes of geographical time doesn't mean we need to stop everything and save the polar bear. I quite enjoy my lifestyle and like to know I have the freedom to throw my fridge in a lake if I feel like it without having to worry about the death penalty.
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Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Chino Wankers
After seeing yet another group of Chino Wankers today pretending to be drunk I have come to the conclusion that they are all fecking idiots just playing into a stereotype so that they feel part of a gang. Probably because their girlfriends beat them up.
Hell I bet most Chino Wankers were pretend NEDs upto only a week ago but now they just traded their tracksuits in for a pair of chinos because an article on the UNILad facebook page said to.....
Chino wearing is by no means a statement of being "modern" like they think but instead a statement that you probably live a double life much like in X-Men except instead of having mutant powers you all hump each other whilst listening to shit indie music.
The "Beige Chino" is the colour of excrement stained semen after all.
So next time I'm working and a chino wanker makes a comment that I speak like Brad Pitt in Snatch well I'm going to kick that bi-curious knob-jockie NED right back into his closet.
Hell I bet most Chino Wankers were pretend NEDs upto only a week ago but now they just traded their tracksuits in for a pair of chinos because an article on the UNILad facebook page said to.....
Chino wearing is by no means a statement of being "modern" like they think but instead a statement that you probably live a double life much like in X-Men except instead of having mutant powers you all hump each other whilst listening to shit indie music.
The "Beige Chino" is the colour of excrement stained semen after all.
So next time I'm working and a chino wanker makes a comment that I speak like Brad Pitt in Snatch well I'm going to kick that bi-curious knob-jockie NED right back into his closet.
Sunday, 13 May 2012
How Stalling a Car Can Kill Over 60 Million People
So can something so small as a butterfly change the world enough to merit the existence of a parallel universe? Well did you ever stall a car and wish you hadn't, one tool did and possibly deciding the fate of the human race.....
Back in 1914 trouble was brewing in Europe and a movement of angry students named "Young Bosnia" planned to assassinate The Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. They had a "lets just kill this son of a bitch" attitude and planned to throw a bomb into Franz's car (pretty straight forward really, except bombs in 1914 were bloody useless) their bomb failed to detonate for a couple seconds and the car behind was blown to shit. The assassin took a cyanide pill which failed to kill him and then he jumped into a 6 foot river and failed to drown (seriously where did they hire this guy!) Against the advice of pretty much everyone Archduke Franz visited the victims of the failed assassination in their hospital beds for a "your missing limbs because of me, sorry I guess" chat and then went back about his daily business. Unfortunately his driver didn't know his way around the part of town which the hospital was in and took a wrong turn then stalling his car outside a small cafe. Who was inside the cafe enjoying a post failed assassination sandwich but a member of "Young Bosnia" named Princip.
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| If he only knew what shooting the rich bollox in the car would cause. |
Anyway the death of Franz ment that Serbia and Austria-Hungary went to war but then the sneaky sceret pacts everyone had signed ment World War 1 had started.
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| Celtic fans steal the Rangers fans trench during WW1 |
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| World War 1 leaves economic ruin in Germany and Russia |
Communism and Facism rise from the rumble of runined countries, leading to World War 2 and the Cold War.
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| World War 2 and the final Solution, over 60 million deaths (2.5% of the World population) |
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| A new sort of weapon is devolped that shakes the Earth |
So such a small event as the stalling of Franz's car decided the fate of humanity, everything from the Final Solution, The U.N, Israel, the Moon Landing, Mao, BMW, Stalin to Forrest Gump has branched out from that incident in some way or another.
Even in my own Country of Ireland one has to wonder what would Ireland be like today without WW1? Then home rule would have been passed, meaning no 1916 Rising, an Ireland without politicians such as Collins or De Valera is impossible to comprehend. How could an incident in Hungary have such a profound effect on modern Ireland? Its the Butterfly Effect
How about a Germany without WW1 and the Weimer republic, then Hitler would probably be no more then an Austrian Artist with a terrible moustache. If the many-worlds theory were proven then I know what world I would want to visit first and no doubt it would be a completely different world. Would it be better off do I wonder without two World Wars and the Cold War...... Or would there be a nuclear holocaust? Maybe Saddam Husein puts Churchill on trial for crimes against humanity...... Who knows? The only thing for certain is that chance decides everything, even getting distracted by a butterfly for a few seconds can change the future for everyone.
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Linda My Toyota Cynos (Paseo)
On the shit side of things do the interior was designed with the Japanese family in mind, as a result I often felt the roof on my head, or I found my passengers in the bag dead at the end of a journey from pins and needles and theres no way that boot was big enough for a dead body! Parts were impossible to come across, when my window wiper motor broke I had to drive around for two weeks with a shoelace tied to the wiper and one hand out the window getting soaked.
Linda had a badge that said Juno, meaning she was a 1.3L with a 4-speed gearbox, ridiculous I know but it worked great, my 0-60 was fantastic and my fuel economy well she basically ran on the smell of petrol. But the car lacked something.... Unpredictability maybe, it was a great car to drive but also boring. I would have enjoyed the 100hp 1.5L engine a lot more but these are very expensive and insurance companies will rape you seen as it's an import.
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| The 1.5l engine will slot into a Starlet without much modification. |
Linda did eventually meet her destiny, on her side in a ditch (to be fair do it wasn't my fault, it was lashing rain, the sun was in my eyes, there was ice on the road and a cute little poodle ran out in front of the car....) anyway it wasn't the car for me as it lacked something.... Can a car have balls? If so then that's what Linda lacked.
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| The Toyota Cynos as standard |
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| A modified Cynos which is self-concsious about it's lack of balls |
Monday, 7 May 2012
For the last time Google, IM NOT A ROBOT
Robots are ruining the internet! I can't so much as post a dam comment on these blogs, like a page on Facebook or book a flight on Ryanair without being accused of being a spamming robot and asked to type out that word half hidden in an image of scribbles. First of all you aren't a robot so why assume I am or anyone else for that matter. Is there really an internet cafe somewhere full of evil spamming robots who can't comprehend letter's that are hidden behind squiggles? Half the time I cant make out the bloody word so I just type cock and wait for another chance to prove my humanness.
A more genuine test to prove we are indeed squishy and made up of flesh not aluminum would be;
Please pinch yourself on the wrist? Did you feel pain, If yes then proceed or
Please listen to Patrick Kavanagh's poem "Raglan Road". If you experienced emotions such as sadness whilst listening then continue if not then fuck off you spamming robot and stop wasting our time.
A more genuine test to prove we are indeed squishy and made up of flesh not aluminum would be;
Please pinch yourself on the wrist? Did you feel pain, If yes then proceed or
Please listen to Patrick Kavanagh's poem "Raglan Road". If you experienced emotions such as sadness whilst listening then continue if not then fuck off you spamming robot and stop wasting our time.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Pomeranian, King of the Doggy Kingdom
We have owned two Pomeranians now and for those of you who laugh at the Pomeranian, well I pity you. These dogs are manly savages built like minature lions, they are a cross between a domesticated fox and big ball of fluff. Your not scared? Dolly once ate her own sick!!!
What sort of twisted animal does such a thing?
Our other Pomeranian Tipsy won the cat v dog war which has raged for thousands of years, How u ask? Well I caught Tipsy shagging our cat one day doggystyle in triumph. He made her feel like a worthless slapper then ate her cat-food. Cats all over the world fear Tipsy and his rugged outlaw charm, much like Colin Farrell, that was of course before Tipsy meet Dad's Primera........ R.I.P. Tipsy.
What sort of twisted animal does such a thing?
Our other Pomeranian Tipsy won the cat v dog war which has raged for thousands of years, How u ask? Well I caught Tipsy shagging our cat one day doggystyle in triumph. He made her feel like a worthless slapper then ate her cat-food. Cats all over the world fear Tipsy and his rugged outlaw charm, much like Colin Farrell, that was of course before Tipsy meet Dad's Primera........ R.I.P. Tipsy.
Two Pom's Demonstrating their roaring barks (Not Tipsy or Dolly)
If I were a Mafia boss I would drive.....
In light of recent news that 2 million quid worth of weed was found stashed in some shed in a small village in Kilkenny near my house I began to wonder how cool it would be to run a Mafia family. I would be called the Don and I would have a proper "gangsta mobile". I could go ghetto and buy a gangster chevy like Dr. Dre
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| Gangster look lowrider, trunk is possibly full of weed. |
But this wouldn't suit my local pothole filled back-roads or the fact that im not black and I don't have any hoes to be macking. So maybe a Mercedes;
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| Mafia Look Mercedes |
That is pretty awesome but no. To be a true Mafia boss with style I would roll around in a black Citroen DS, a soft top one unlike the picture, because I'm not afraid of any assassination attempts by the peasants.
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| My get-away car |
Darwin Got it Wrong (About NEDs)
So Darwin's theory of evolution is that we all evolved from apes, seems legit. He has his facts to back it up and it's widely accepted but he forgot something! What about these bois.....
Badgers have rather short, fat bodies, with short legs built for digging. Their ears are small, and they have elongated weasel-like heads, (sounds about right) their tails vary in length depending on species, the stink badger has a very short tail.
Their bodies are gray with a light-colored stripe from their head to their tail, (They do love wearing stripes) they have dark legs with light colored stomachs.
The Badger can often be spotted in the wild sporting a Burberry cap (OK I made this one up).
Some are solitary, moving from home to home, while others are known to form clans. Clan size is variable from two to 15. Badgers can be fierce animals and will protect themselves and their young (Buckfast) at all costs.
Badgers can run or gallop at 25–30 km/h (in a Corsa more then likely) for short periods of time. Badgers are nocturnal (true).
The diet of the Eurasian badger consists largely of earthworms, insects, and grubs. (kebabs, cider and fags) They will climb trees to gain access to honey from bees' nests.(They will break into your house).
Badgers spread harmful diseases like TB aswell similar to the spread of Chlymidia by scangers and also hitting a badger with your car will mean the loss of a good front bumper.
So this is the theory I put forward, at some time in history somewhere (more then likely Manchester or London) some badass badgers copied the apes and began walking on two legs aswell but also wearing tracksuits and claiming social welfare. They evolved into the Becky's, Stacey's and Decky's we know today. Feel free to share your views on the Badger Theory of Evolution
| Scangers playing the "floor is lava" game. |
Scangers, Scumbags, NEDs, Chavs, Cumstains, Knackers whatever term you brand them with yourself it really dosent matter. Today ladies and Gentlemen I put forward the idea that they evolved not from Apes but from Badgers. You see the modern day chimpanzee can recognise itself in a mirror, can be thought some sign language and can even use it's brain to solve problems!
Scangers however can't, well this one mastered sign language, Well done!!
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| OOft what a hottie |
So I put forward a new theory based on absolutely no facts.
Its called the Badger Theory of Evolution
It is the theory that Scangers are evolved from the Badger, now before you go off saying this theory is nonsense, here are just a few extracts from the badger's page on Wikipedia;
Badgers have rather short, fat bodies, with short legs built for digging. Their ears are small, and they have elongated weasel-like heads, (sounds about right) their tails vary in length depending on species, the stink badger has a very short tail.
Their bodies are gray with a light-colored stripe from their head to their tail, (They do love wearing stripes) they have dark legs with light colored stomachs.
The Badger can often be spotted in the wild sporting a Burberry cap (OK I made this one up).
Some are solitary, moving from home to home, while others are known to form clans. Clan size is variable from two to 15. Badgers can be fierce animals and will protect themselves and their young (Buckfast) at all costs.
Badgers can run or gallop at 25–30 km/h (in a Corsa more then likely) for short periods of time. Badgers are nocturnal (true).
The diet of the Eurasian badger consists largely of earthworms, insects, and grubs. (kebabs, cider and fags) They will climb trees to gain access to honey from bees' nests.(They will break into your house).
Badgers spread harmful diseases like TB aswell similar to the spread of Chlymidia by scangers and also hitting a badger with your car will mean the loss of a good front bumper.
So this is the theory I put forward, at some time in history somewhere (more then likely Manchester or London) some badass badgers copied the apes and began walking on two legs aswell but also wearing tracksuits and claiming social welfare. They evolved into the Becky's, Stacey's and Decky's we know today. Feel free to share your views on the Badger Theory of Evolution
The Idea that Changed the World
Think of great inventors and who springs to mind? Maybe Leonardo Da Vinci a great thinker for his time, designing everything from gliders to submarines, yet he never envisioned anything truly remarkable such as electricity, the Nokia or even sliced bread.
Thats why today I choose to honour a remarkable inventor and trend setter, a man who's invention we devour everyday. An invention that can do anything from delight your taste buds to curing a hangover. An idea that for generations has been pinnacle in the structure of the modern day family.
His name of course John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A real philosopher of his time. He lived a corrupt life of gambling and affairs, no Shakespeare for Johnny, this was a man ahead of his time, a Charlie Sheen of the 18th Century.
Johnny favourite pastime besides fathering 9 illegitimate children with an opera singer outside of his marriage was gambling, in fact he would spend hours at the table playing cards and never took time to eat meals. Instead he smartly instructed his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread, a habit well known amongst his gambling friends, who would also order "The same as sandwich please!"
Being from the town of Sandwich (yes that's right) in Kent the phrase "sandwich" was born, Maybe they should have named it something else, Johnny's taken do.... On that note I'm off to make myself a toasted ham and cheese Montagu.
Thats why today I choose to honour a remarkable inventor and trend setter, a man who's invention we devour everyday. An invention that can do anything from delight your taste buds to curing a hangover. An idea that for generations has been pinnacle in the structure of the modern day family.
His name of course John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A real philosopher of his time. He lived a corrupt life of gambling and affairs, no Shakespeare for Johnny, this was a man ahead of his time, a Charlie Sheen of the 18th Century.
Johnny favourite pastime besides fathering 9 illegitimate children with an opera singer outside of his marriage was gambling, in fact he would spend hours at the table playing cards and never took time to eat meals. Instead he smartly instructed his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread, a habit well known amongst his gambling friends, who would also order "The same as sandwich please!"
Being from the town of Sandwich (yes that's right) in Kent the phrase "sandwich" was born, Maybe they should have named it something else, Johnny's taken do.... On that note I'm off to make myself a toasted ham and cheese Montagu.
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| Montagu Inventor of the Sandwich and also swagger |
Friday, 4 May 2012
My 205, The Romantic Interest is Sparked
Hello people of cyberspace particuraly the more sophisticated, educated, upper class of you. I want you to chill out, grab a glass of French Wine a cuban cigar and let me take you back to your days of adolocense with a gripping story of love actually love-hate in fact for the most part hate.
Loosen your ties and let me take you back to the July of 2010, when I tipped on down to the Miami of Ireland otherwise known as Waterford. I bought a car that defines its own genre of style and character. A car for the Gentleman not afraid to make a bold Statement. My first Peugeot 205.
Yes man has built the atomic bomb and has been to the moon, all very interesting stuff but what really seperates us from the animal kingdom is indeed this beautiful example of french automotive engineering. Yes the 1.1 litre Peugeot 205 sunroof model in steel grey.
You may wonder what made it so special, well the first thing I noticed as I steped inside is the air of mystery that only comes from a car with unknown numerous owners and over 95,000 of possibly what could be genuine miles before the mileage counter mysteriously stopped working, possibly from breaking the speed of light barrier. The seats were testament to over 20 years of frontline action I spotted a large tear in the upholstery big enough to hide a pistol, this was possibly a previous bond car used in the hit movies. The salesman's only advice "pull out the choke like a lawnmower when she's cold" the more wealthy of us that can afford such luxury cars with manual chokes will understand.
I inspected her daily- not for its obvious and numerous scratches but you inspect it for the aging grace of its body and the distinctive smell of its upholstery.
The extras well they kept me coming back for more, its a luxury driving heaven.
A Manual Sunroof- a wonderful way of giving your car the feel of a convertible it even leaked drops of rain onto your shoulder to make you feel at one with the enviornment.
Indicators- an ingenious signalling system that allows those drivers behind you to know of your intention to turn either left or right.
Rear view mirrors- Cleverly angled mirrors to catch a glimpse of the papparazi following your 205.
Windows- you are the boss as you choose which direction you wish to recieve fresh country air from as you rally from one black-tie event to another.
A Radio- Dosent actually work but the raw passion of the exhaust is entertainment enough for all the family
Weight Watcher Utility- Yes indeed you can't carry more then 2 over weight passengers, why is that? well they will make you look less gangster and of course the rear arches will rub on your tyres to remind you of this. Good thinking Peugeot!
Petrol Light- Alerts you when your dangerously low on petrol. Isn't completely accurate but its the tought by Peugeots engineers that counts.
The exhaust- Comes with many random rust holes blown to make you sound like a rally driver, this will impress any lady friend as you turn heads angry with jealousy.
This is all I'm writing today on the vast topic of the world's most elegant auto-mobile, a complete non-bias review can be expected soon along with a review of her 1.9 GTI beast cousin I purchased months later.
Loosen your ties and let me take you back to the July of 2010, when I tipped on down to the Miami of Ireland otherwise known as Waterford. I bought a car that defines its own genre of style and character. A car for the Gentleman not afraid to make a bold Statement. My first Peugeot 205.
Yes man has built the atomic bomb and has been to the moon, all very interesting stuff but what really seperates us from the animal kingdom is indeed this beautiful example of french automotive engineering. Yes the 1.1 litre Peugeot 205 sunroof model in steel grey.
You may wonder what made it so special, well the first thing I noticed as I steped inside is the air of mystery that only comes from a car with unknown numerous owners and over 95,000 of possibly what could be genuine miles before the mileage counter mysteriously stopped working, possibly from breaking the speed of light barrier. The seats were testament to over 20 years of frontline action I spotted a large tear in the upholstery big enough to hide a pistol, this was possibly a previous bond car used in the hit movies. The salesman's only advice "pull out the choke like a lawnmower when she's cold" the more wealthy of us that can afford such luxury cars with manual chokes will understand.
I inspected her daily- not for its obvious and numerous scratches but you inspect it for the aging grace of its body and the distinctive smell of its upholstery.
The extras well they kept me coming back for more, its a luxury driving heaven.
A Manual Sunroof- a wonderful way of giving your car the feel of a convertible it even leaked drops of rain onto your shoulder to make you feel at one with the enviornment.
Indicators- an ingenious signalling system that allows those drivers behind you to know of your intention to turn either left or right.
Rear view mirrors- Cleverly angled mirrors to catch a glimpse of the papparazi following your 205.
Windows- you are the boss as you choose which direction you wish to recieve fresh country air from as you rally from one black-tie event to another.
A Radio- Dosent actually work but the raw passion of the exhaust is entertainment enough for all the family
Weight Watcher Utility- Yes indeed you can't carry more then 2 over weight passengers, why is that? well they will make you look less gangster and of course the rear arches will rub on your tyres to remind you of this. Good thinking Peugeot!
Petrol Light- Alerts you when your dangerously low on petrol. Isn't completely accurate but its the tought by Peugeots engineers that counts.
The exhaust- Comes with many random rust holes blown to make you sound like a rally driver, this will impress any lady friend as you turn heads angry with jealousy.
This is all I'm writing today on the vast topic of the world's most elegant auto-mobile, a complete non-bias review can be expected soon along with a review of her 1.9 GTI beast cousin I purchased months later.
An early picture from when it all began.
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