Beware of Green Politics

Extreme idealism and power mix like sambuca and your ATM card (not very well) in fact its a disaster but yet through out history its happened yet again and again and we just don't learn our lesson. Fascists, Communists, Religious Fundamentalists and an idealism born in the 1970s "Green Politics" have been and continue to be let into Governments.
   Idealists all see the world as completely imperfect and strive to build a new one which is perfect (to them). For example Hitler believed the imperfections of the world were caused by people whom he saw as merely subhuman (Jews, Slavic, Gays etc.) and lets just say Africa are very lucky Russia. America and the Spitfire stopped the Nazi's. His Ideology brain-washed a nation and made it OK to murder millions if it ment his Aryan race lived in a "perfect world". Then there's Stalin another idealist who would happily have people who he tought of as selfish (Capitalists) murdered to help achieve his Communist ideology or Castro who single handedly ruined a beautiful Island trying to create his ideal world. So where am I going with this?
  Well I don't think that letting the vegetarians into government means that all non smart-car drivers will be shipped off to concentration camps. I mean to a lesser extent other government problems will be put to the side like say healthcare or unemployment because the lesbian vegetarian President is busy spending money on windmills and a new police force for protecting the fox and enforcing the ban on vintage cars with no catalytic converters. Whilst politicians with aims and goals make good politicians (otherwise their power hungry accountants) ones who view the world as being full of imperfections and speak of radical change to make a better tomorrow for our kids are living in a fantasy world and don't belong in power!
   Don't get me wrong I do believe that stuff like recycling (Got any Scrap Metal lad?) is important but any politician who takes a fold-up bicycle to work and refers to "Fire-men" as "Fire-Fighters" should be let no where near a political party. Just because we have caused so much pollution in the last 2 minutes of geographical time doesn't mean we need to stop everything and save the polar bear. I quite enjoy my lifestyle and like to know I have the freedom to throw my fridge in a lake if I feel like it without having to worry about the death penalty.

Chino Wankers

After seeing yet another group of Chino Wankers today pretending to be drunk I have come to the conclusion that they are all fecking idiots just playing into a stereotype so that they feel part of a gang. Probably because their girlfriends beat them up.

Hell I bet most Chino Wankers were pretend NEDs upto only a week ago but now they just traded their tracksuits in for a pair of chinos because an article on the UNILad facebook page said to.....    

Chino wearing is by no means a statement of being "modern" like they think but instead a statement that you probably live a double life much like in X-Men except instead of having mutant powers you all hump each other whilst listening to shit indie music.
The "Beige Chino" is the colour of excrement stained semen after all.

So next time I'm working and a chino wanker makes a comment that I speak like Brad Pitt in Snatch well I'm going to kick that bi-curious knob-jockie NED right back into his closet.

How Stalling a Car Can Kill Over 60 Million People

Hugh Everett III was an American physicist and also a big nerd who first proposed the many-worlds interpretation of quantum physics, the theory is that there is a very large perhaps infinite number of universes, and everything that could possibly have happened in our past, but did not, has occurred in the past of some other universe or universes. The butterfly effect in other words, so somewhere in another universe Justin Bieber's Father pulled out at the last second or maybe humans are indeed extinct.
   So can something so small as a butterfly change the world enough to merit the existence of a parallel universe? Well did you ever stall a car and wish you hadn't, one tool did and possibly deciding the fate of the human race.....
   Back in 1914 trouble was brewing in Europe and a movement of angry students named "Young Bosnia" planned to assassinate The Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. They had a "lets just kill this son of a bitch" attitude and planned to throw a bomb into Franz's car (pretty straight forward really, except bombs in 1914 were bloody useless) their bomb failed to detonate for a couple seconds and the car behind was blown to shit. The assassin took a cyanide pill which failed to kill him and then he jumped into a 6 foot river and failed to drown (seriously where did they hire this guy!) Against the advice of pretty much everyone Archduke Franz visited the victims of the failed assassination in their hospital beds for a "your missing limbs because of me, sorry I guess" chat and then went back about his daily business. Unfortunately his driver didn't know his way around the part of town which the hospital was in and took a wrong turn then stalling his car outside a small cafe. Who was inside the cafe enjoying a post failed assassination sandwich but a member of "Young Bosnia" named Princip.

If he only knew what shooting the rich bollox in the car would cause.

So seeing the stalled car with Franz outside he quickly rushed out and shot both Franz and his wife from 5 feet away (these guys weren't exactly James Bonds).
    Anyway the death of Franz ment that Serbia and Austria-Hungary went to war but then the sneaky sceret pacts everyone had signed ment World War 1 had started.

Celtic fans steal the Rangers fans trench during WW1

World War 1 leaves economic ruin in Germany and Russia

Communism and Facism rise from the rumble of runined countries, leading to World War 2 and the Cold War.

World War 2 and the final Solution, over 60 million
deaths (2.5% of the World population)

A new sort of weapon is devolped that shakes the Earth

So such a small event as the stalling of Franz's car decided the fate of humanity, everything from the Final Solution, The U.N, Israel, the Moon Landing, Mao, BMW, Stalin to Forrest Gump has branched out from that incident in some way or another.  

 Even in my own Country of Ireland one has to wonder what would Ireland be like today without WW1? Then home rule would have been passed, meaning no 1916 Rising, an Ireland without politicians such as Collins or De Valera is impossible to comprehend. How could an incident in Hungary have such a profound effect on modern Ireland? Its the Butterfly Effect

   How about a Germany without WW1 and the Weimer republic, then Hitler would probably be no more then an Austrian Artist with a terrible moustache. If the many-worlds theory were proven then I know what world I would want to visit first and no doubt it would be a completely different world. Would it be better off do I wonder without two World Wars and the Cold War...... Or would there be a nuclear holocaust? Maybe Saddam Husein puts Churchill on trial for crimes against humanity...... Who knows? The only thing for certain is that chance decides everything, even getting distracted by a butterfly for a few seconds can change the future for everyone.

Linda My Toyota Cynos (Paseo)

My old Toyota Cynos or Paseo if your being awkward was a brilliant car to drive, I called her Linda. I do think naming a car is extremely gay but Linda practically drove herself so she merited a name. First off a bit of background, the Cynos is rare as hen's teeth, it had to be imported from Japan and is more or less a coupe version of the starlet. It comes as a 1.3L or the more sporty 1.5L with a spoiler, alloys and a badge with the name of a Japenese spirit god or something on it, both engines hail from the Toyota E engine family and so almost all engine parts are interchangeable with the Starlet or Corolla. The Cynos looks magnificent and sporty and handles fantastic, they have all the extra electrical perks like electric windows, central locking, power steering, CD player that you would expect from a Japanese car of the nineties. Mine a 1995 would have no problem being sold in the market today, it had everything you could come to expect from a new car.
   On the shit side of things do the interior was designed with the Japanese family in mind, as a result I often felt the roof on my head, or I found my passengers in the bag dead at the end of a journey from pins and needles and theres no way that boot was big enough for a dead body! Parts were impossible to come across, when my window wiper motor broke I had to drive around for two weeks with a shoelace tied to the wiper and one hand out the window getting soaked.
Linda had a badge that said Juno, meaning she was a 1.3L with a 4-speed gearbox, ridiculous I know but it worked great, my 0-60 was fantastic and my fuel economy well she basically ran on the smell of petrol. But the car lacked something.... Unpredictability maybe, it was a great car to drive but also boring. I would have enjoyed the 100hp 1.5L engine a lot more but these are very expensive and insurance companies will rape you seen as it's an import.

The 1.5l engine will slot into a Starlet without much modification.

Linda did eventually meet her destiny, on her side in a ditch (to be fair do it wasn't my fault, it was lashing rain, the sun was in my eyes, there was ice on the road and a cute little poodle ran out in front of the car....) anyway it wasn't the car for me as it lacked something.... Can a car have balls? If so then that's what Linda lacked.

The Toyota Cynos as standard

A modified Cynos which is self-concsious about it's lack of balls

For the last time Google, IM NOT A ROBOT

Robots are ruining the internet! I can't so much as post a dam comment on these blogs, like a page on Facebook or book a flight on Ryanair without being accused of being a spamming robot and asked to type out that word half hidden in an image of scribbles. First of all you aren't a robot so why assume I am or anyone else for that matter. Is there really an internet cafe somewhere full of evil spamming robots who can't comprehend letter's that are hidden behind squiggles? Half the time I cant make out the bloody word so I just type cock and wait for another chance to prove my humanness.

A more genuine test to prove we are indeed squishy and made up of flesh not aluminum would be;

Please pinch yourself on the wrist? Did you feel pain, If yes then proceed or

Please listen to Patrick Kavanagh's poem "Raglan Road". If you experienced emotions such as sadness whilst listening then continue if not then fuck off you spamming robot and stop wasting our time.

Pomeranian, King of the Doggy Kingdom

We have owned two Pomeranians now and for those of you who laugh at the Pomeranian, well I pity you. These dogs are manly savages built like minature lions, they are a cross between a domesticated fox and big ball of fluff. Your not scared? Dolly once ate her own sick!!!
What sort of twisted animal does such a thing?
Our other Pomeranian Tipsy won the cat v dog war which has raged for thousands of years, How u ask? Well I caught Tipsy shagging our cat one day doggystyle in triumph. He made her feel like a worthless slapper then ate her cat-food. Cats all over the world fear Tipsy and his rugged outlaw charm, much like Colin Farrell, that was of course before Tipsy meet Dad's Primera........ R.I.P. Tipsy.

Two Pom's Demonstrating their roaring barks (Not Tipsy or Dolly)

If I were a Mafia boss I would drive.....

In light of recent news that 2 million quid worth of weed was found stashed in some shed in a small village in Kilkenny near my house I began to wonder how cool it would be to run a Mafia family. I would be called the Don and I would have a proper "gangsta mobile". I could go ghetto and buy a gangster chevy like Dr. Dre

Gangster look lowrider, trunk is possibly full of weed.

But this wouldn't suit my local pothole filled back-roads or the fact that im not black and I don't have any hoes to be macking. So maybe a Mercedes;

Mafia Look Mercedes

That is pretty awesome but no. To be a true Mafia boss with style I would roll around in a black Citroen DS, a soft top one unlike the picture, because I'm not afraid of any assassination attempts by the peasants.

My get-away car

Darwin Got it Wrong (About NEDs)

So Darwin's theory of evolution is that we all evolved from apes, seems legit. He has his facts to back it up and it's widely accepted but he forgot something! What about these bois.....

Scangers playing the "floor is lava" game.

Scangers, Scumbags, NEDs, Chavs, Cumstains, Knackers whatever term you brand them with yourself it really dosent matter. Today ladies and Gentlemen I put forward the idea that they evolved not from Apes but from Badgers. You see the modern day chimpanzee can recognise itself in a mirror, can be thought some sign language and can even use it's brain to solve problems!

Scangers however can't, well this one mastered sign language, Well done!!

OOft what a hottie

So I put forward a new theory based on absolutely no facts. 

Its called the Badger Theory of Evolution

It is the theory that Scangers are evolved from the Badger, now before you go off saying this theory is nonsense, here are just a few extracts from the badger's page on Wikipedia;

Badgers have rather short, fat bodies, with short legs built for digging. Their ears are small, and they have elongated weasel-like heads, (sounds about right) their tails vary in length depending on species, the stink badger has a very short tail.
Their bodies are gray with a light-colored stripe from their head to their tail, (They do love wearing stripes) they have dark legs with light colored stomachs.
The Badger can often be spotted in the wild sporting a Burberry cap (OK I made this one up).
Some are solitary, moving from home to home, while others are known to form clans. Clan size is variable from two to 15. Badgers can be fierce animals and will protect themselves and their young (Buckfast) at all costs.
Badgers can run or gallop at 25–30 km/h (in a Corsa more then likely) for short periods of time. Badgers are nocturnal (true).
The diet of the Eurasian badger consists largely of earthworms, insects, and grubs. (kebabs, cider and fags) They will climb trees to gain access to honey from bees' nests.(They will break into your house).
Badgers spread harmful diseases like TB aswell similar to the spread of Chlymidia by scangers and also hitting a badger with your car will mean the loss of a good front bumper.

So this is the theory I put forward, at some time in history somewhere (more then likely Manchester or London) some badass badgers copied the apes and began walking on two legs aswell but also wearing tracksuits and claiming social welfare. They evolved into the Becky's, Stacey's and Decky's we know today. Feel free to share your views on the Badger Theory of Evolution

The Idea that Changed the World

Think of great inventors and who springs to mind? Maybe Leonardo Da Vinci a great thinker for his time, designing everything from gliders to submarines, yet he never envisioned anything truly remarkable such as electricity, the Nokia or even sliced bread.
  Thats why today I choose to honour a remarkable inventor and trend setter, a man who's invention we devour everyday. An invention that can do anything from delight your taste buds to curing a hangover. An idea that for generations has been pinnacle in the structure of the modern day family.
His name of course John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A real philosopher of his time. He lived a corrupt life of gambling and affairs, no Shakespeare for Johnny, this was a man ahead of his time, a Charlie Sheen of the 18th Century.
Johnny favourite pastime besides fathering 9 illegitimate children with an opera singer outside of his marriage was gambling, in fact he would spend hours at the table playing cards and never took time to eat meals. Instead he smartly instructed his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread, a habit well known amongst his gambling friends, who would also order "The same as sandwich please!"
Being from the town of  Sandwich (yes that's right) in Kent the phrase "sandwich" was born, Maybe they should have named it something else, Johnny's taken do.... On that note I'm off to make myself a toasted ham and cheese Montagu.

Montagu Inventor of the Sandwich and also swagger

My 205, The Romantic Interest is Sparked

Hello people of cyberspace particuraly the more sophisticated, educated, upper class of you. I want you to chill out, grab a glass of French Wine a cuban cigar and let me take you back to your days of adolocense with a gripping story of love actually love-hate in fact for the most part hate.
Loosen your ties and let me take you back to the July of 2010, when I tipped on down to the Miami of Ireland otherwise known as Waterford. I bought a car that defines its own genre of style and character. A car for the Gentleman not afraid to make a bold Statement. My first Peugeot 205.

Yes man has built the atomic bomb and has been to the moon, all very interesting stuff but what really seperates us from the animal kingdom is indeed this beautiful example of french automotive engineering. Yes the 1.1 litre Peugeot 205 sunroof model in steel grey.

You may wonder what made it so special, well the first thing I noticed as I steped inside is the air of mystery that only comes from a car with unknown numerous owners and over 95,000 of possibly what could be genuine miles before the mileage counter mysteriously stopped working, possibly from breaking the speed of light barrier. The seats were testament to over 20 years of frontline action I spotted a large tear in the upholstery big enough to hide a pistol, this was possibly a previous bond car used in the hit movies. The salesman's only advice "pull out the choke like a lawnmower when she's cold" the more wealthy of us that can afford such luxury cars with manual chokes will understand.
I inspected her daily- not for its obvious and numerous scratches but you inspect it for the aging grace of its body and the distinctive smell of its upholstery.

The extras well they kept me coming back for more, its a luxury driving heaven.

A Manual Sunroof- a wonderful way of giving your car the feel of a convertible it even leaked drops of rain onto your shoulder to make you feel at one with the enviornment.

Indicators- an ingenious signalling system that allows those drivers behind you to know of your intention to turn either left or right.

Rear view mirrors- Cleverly angled mirrors to catch a glimpse of the papparazi following your 205.

Windows- you are the boss as you choose which direction you wish to recieve fresh country air from as you rally from one black-tie event to another.

A Radio- Dosent actually work but the raw passion of the exhaust is entertainment enough for all the family

Weight Watcher Utility- Yes indeed you can't carry more then 2 over weight passengers, why is that? well they will make you look less gangster and of course the rear arches will rub on your tyres to remind you of this. Good thinking Peugeot!

Petrol Light- Alerts you when your dangerously low on petrol. Isn't completely accurate but its the tought by Peugeots engineers that counts.

The exhaust- Comes with many random rust holes blown to make you sound like a rally driver, this will impress any lady friend as you turn heads angry with jealousy.

This is all I'm writing today on the vast topic of the world's most elegant auto-mobile, a complete non-bias review can be expected soon along with a review of her 1.9 GTI beast cousin I purchased months later.

An early picture from when it all began.