Book Review: Fight Club (Chuck Palahniuk)

  It was the cult favorite movie "Fight Club" starring Brad Pitt which introduced me to Chuck Palahniuk and his style of transgressional fiction as he calls it. That is in layman's terms books about people who feel trapped and depressed living within society, and "Fight Club is his most famous work. The novel follows the life of an unnamed Protagonist who suffers from severe insomnia. He believes himself to be suffering without end and even attends support groups for terminally ill people such as cancer support groups, in order to gain sympathy where he meets Marla Singer, who also fakes.
  One day he meets a mysterious man named Tyler Durden and together they establish an underground fighting club for men to fight their depression away. Through this club both him and Tyler find a way to feel like their lives have a purpose. Tyler has a desire for chaos within society and pranks such as to "wipe my ass with the Mona Lisa" which leads him and his followers down a dangerous path of destruction.

Character Development 8.5/10
The book features three main characters each unique "Tyler", "Marla" and the narrator. Since the entire story takes place within the narrators head any other less significant characters whom he didn't car for like "Bob" and "Angel Face" don't see much development.

Dialogue/Monologue 9.5/10
The narrators monologues are fantastically disturbing, a real glimpse into the mind of a lunatic. 

Memorable Quotes or Scenes 9.5/10

The book's greatest attribute are the memorable lines which will cause you to put the book down pause and ponder about today's society.

"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else".

Engagement 8/10
An entertaining book yet I needed to read it twice to really come to grips with what was happening. At first I found it a bit difficult to grasp what was going on (the book beings at the end) so maybe watching the movie also will help those of us who are reading Chuck Palahniuk for the first time.

Impact 9.5/10
Definitely leaves a lasting impact on your thought process, if you sometimes suffer from social anxiety or shyness then this book will help you overcome these roadblocks. The rules and expectations imposed on us by society are truly brought into question by this book.

Overall Rating 9/10
A great place to start a literature affair with Chuck Palahniuk, the book will leave you feeling like you should quit your job and beat up your boss. A favorite of mine among modern fiction.

Book Review: Of Mice and Men (John Steinbeck)

A timeless classic this novella has seen several adaptions into both movies and plays. A tragic story of an unlikely pair of best friends Lennie and George. The two are travelling men who work on ranches to get by in a world where every man is for himself. Lennie is mentally challenged and can be accurately described as a friendly but easily startled man of a huge size. George is a wise guy and a dreamer whom Lennie depends on to survive in the tough times of 1930s America. 

  The story has been challenged many times over the years for apparent offensive and racist language which I don't believe is justified, Steinbeck does an excellent job of absorbing us into the world of the ranches of the 1930s where I doubt punctuation or vulgar language concerned people in the slightest.
  The principle theme of the book is freedom, which to George means someday owning land. He dreams of owning his own place and living off the "phat of the land" with Lennie but the simple nature of his childhood friend leads the pair into trouble frequently and the presence of a flirtatious young lady on the ranch with her rowdy husband worries George.

Character Development 9.5/10
The books is a a short story but yet Steinbeck portrays greatly intriguing characters fantastically whom I felt genuine admiration and in other cases loathing for. The great achievement of this book is how we sympathies so much with the characters after such a short story.

Dialogue/Monologue 8.5/10
The dialogue is coloured nicely with slang, full of abbreviations yet easily read. There is a constant necessity for George to repeat things to Lennie but it doesn't ever drag on.

Memorable Quotes or Scenes 9/10
Quite possibly the most memorable ending to a story ever (note its not the quote below).

"They come, an' they quit an' go on; an' every damn one of em's got a little piece of land in his head. An' never a God damn one of em' ever get it. Just like heaven. Ever'body wants a little piece of lan'. I read plenty of books out there. Nobody never gets to heaven, and nobody never gets no land. It's just in their head."

Engagement 8.5/10
An entertaining and hard to put down kind of book but too short to keep you awake at night, I read it over two evenings.

Impact 9/10
Most definitely leaves a lasting impact about friendship and how we view people who are more mentally challenged in life, will be a book I re-read again in years to come.

Overall Rating 8.9/10
One of my favorites and a book I love to quote, definite must read and if you can't read then you need to watch the movie version for the great story.

Book Review: The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

  I heard about a Brazilian author by the name of Paulo Coelho from a Hungarian friend one evening in Budapest whilst drinking my last Soproni and smoking the last of my cheap cigarettes before the return to Ireland. The name slipped my mind however for a few months at least. One day whilst googling critically acclaimed authors looking for inspiration his name crept up again, and luckily I found a copy of his most well known book "The Alchemist" at a local charity shop.

  The story centers around a young shepherd boy from Spain who's name I don't believe was revealed instead he was merely addressed as "the boy" through out the book. He embarks on a journey of discovery after experiencing a dream about a treasure he believed was nearby the Pyramids of Giza. Putting all his trust in this dream he sells his sheep and heads across the Mediterranean for Africa in search of material treasure and along the way finds love and acquires great wisdom from such characters as a Gypsie, a King, Merchants and an Alchemist. The entire story centers around the books quote that "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it" but along the way the boy faces obstacles and learns that "The secret of life though is to fall seven times and to get up eight times".

 The time period in which the books is set is never revealed but my guess would be the 19th century. Omens and forms of magic (such as speaking to the earths elements) play a major part in the plot so if you lack an imagination you may find this book frustrating. In fact it is in essence a simple book which can be read in a day or two. While I enjoyed it, I did fail to see at first how it deserved the great reputation. I can recommend not approaching the book with too high expectations because it is afterwards that you realise how the story has stuck with you and seems to have provided a life lesson on striving to reach goals. 

  Character Development 6/10

By far the books weakest attribute. Nothing is really know of any of the characters in this book, little is know of the main character either other then that he is a Shepherd. If the book had been longer maybe the characters could have been developed further.

  Dialogue/Monologue 9/10

The books strongest asset, clever dialogue between the boy and the various people he meets along his journey is what makes the book most engaging as we witness his growing maturity through his words with strangers.

  Memorable Quotes or Scenes 8/10

The book contains many memorable quotes especially from the king and the alchemist. There is an especially memorable scene where the boy speaks to the sun and wind in order to help achieve his goal.

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure"

  Engagement 8/10

The book was very engaging and I read through it very fast unwilling to put it down, however it is too short to capture your imagination for more then a day or two.

  Impact 8/10

The book can clearly have a huge influence on the lives of people who are afraid to chase their dreams. It definetly leaves a lasting impact but maybe not as much as other more dense books.

Overall Rating is a 7.8 out of 10, definitely worth reading and a good place to start with Paulo Coelho books.

Gaia

Mir called his many grandsons around the fireplace, pausing for a moment he congratulated himself on his life, leaving behind no less then 17 grandchildren to pass on his genes after just 170 years. His longtime partner Nim had proven a great catch, proving more then adequately fertile. He smiled remembering the wonderful morning that he awoke to the feeling of a strange tingling smell in his nostrils that could only mean one thing. After just 13 years Nim was ovulating for him, at the time he had recently published a well received article as the lead astronomer on the study of extra terrestrial life. This brought more joy to his thoughts. Today was his Birthday and his Grandchildren gathered around, no doubt curious as ever. His species curiosity was their greatest asset.

   His grandchildren like him had inherited a love for the night sky, every now and then when the two suns would slip below the horizon for a few hours they would beg to come sit in the observatory with him.

"Tell us about the life that surrounds us they pleaded" the youngest grandchild begged.

"Its his birthday I doubt he wants to work tonight" Nim chuckled knowing full well her partner loved nothing more then to tell fascinating stories of the people from Gaia.

Reaching into his pockets Mir pulled out some still frames he had taken recently when observing Gaia through the observatory's giant telescope, and passed them around. Each as amazed as the other.

   "Luckily there is no black holes between us and Gaia and so the light 140 light years away remains constant, in fact they can see our brighter sun Achernar appear as a dot in their night sky." explained Mir.

   "Can they see us?" exclaimed Mil a little bit frightened, the grandson who already had his heart set on becoming a Guru of the night sky.

   "As of yet no, but I can't be certain"

   "How come?"

   "I watch the people of Gaia from 140 light years away Mil you see"

   "So that mean we see them 140 years in the past and not as they are now?"

   "Exactly beamed Mir", proud of his grandson

   "As I see them now they have relatively recently discovered the vastness of their own planet, discovering tribes of other Gaian's that were separated by vast quantities of water"

   "Can they not move on their water?" Mil exclaimed even more frightened.

   "They have liquid water everywhere, unlike here very little is frozen as they live very close to their star. It is the source of all their life and also their moon is abnormally huge"

   "Wow so they depend on the star?"

   "Yes they have not reached our level of advancement and so depend on their star for all life, They used to worship and love their star, honoring its gift of life and practicing great faith in the universe"

   "What happened? Surely they still worship their nature"

   "No they traded that for an egotistical view that God created them in his own image and they brought violence on those that worshiped the Stars and Nature, this is why I don't recommend a travel to Gaia they are incredibly violent, They believe themselves to be more intelligent then all life even other Gaian's."

   "They fight amongst themselves?"

   "Throughout their history once a more advanced tribe finds another they would declare war. Intimidated by different intelligence, beliefs and cultures, always greedy for more resources. I do not know how much more advanced they are now but I don't want to see them visited in my time as I have no doubt they would react violently"

   "How does their nature differ? do they not orbit a larger planet?" asked Mil curious as ever.

   "No they only orbit a Star, in a circle"

   "But then where does  the planets fire come from?"

   "Their planet is not covered in fires like ours, our orbit is an elipse around a Gas Giant Planet causing great friction inside our core resulting in all this lava which melts the ice.

 Their ice is melted by their close proximity to a Star. They do have some fire from the planets core however as their planet is divided into plates and along these plates you will find many tribes taking the risk of being melted in exchange for the planets resources."

Mil was left with still so many questions as he flicked through the photographs, one showed a massive wall stretching for miles, another showed lines of creatures drawn on the ground. He wondered if he would ever get to visit one day, Mir as if reading his mind.

   "Traveling such a distance is difficult within a lifetime Mil, we shouldn't make contact until they have reached greater maturity, for their own safety. As we speak they are fast approaching their life renaissance should they survive, this will make for exciting observations and no doubt much more science fiction titles about life on Gaia"

Mil remembered back to what he had been thought in school about the life renaissance. The generations before him began to use their mind for great achievements of creativity, engineering and love. When intelligence and spirituality became the main subjects thought to the children. When they realized the full potential of all their minds when put to good use. Now his kind were capable of life on other moons and mined asteroids for resources. His kind unlike so many would stand the great test of geological time.

Looking at the photo of Gaia with the massive wall stretching for miles across a continent his optimism for the people of Gaia began to fade. He was not as excited at the prospect of their doubtful future.

Irony...

Just a quick thought on the troubles in Palestine, heres two extracts from wikepedia.

"Zionism (Hebrew: ציונות‎, Tsiyonut) is a form of nationalism of Jews and Jewish culture that supports a Jewish nation state in territory defined as the Land of Israel. Zionism supports Jews upholding their Jewish identity and opposes the assimilation of Jews into other societies and has advocated the return of Jews to Israel as a means for Jews to be liberated from anti-Semitic discrimination, exclusion, and persecution that has occurred in other societies "

"Nazism ..... Major elements of Nazism have been described as far-right, such as allowing domination of society by people deemed racially superior, while purging society of people declared inferior which were said to be a threat to national survival.......
The Nazis promoted German territorial expansionism to gain Lebensraum ("living space") for
German settlers and to bring labor, food and materials into the nation for growth.^"

See any similarities? Its like in school when the bullied grew up to become a bully

Time to make more Time

Polyphasic sleep!
I heard of this a year ago and now its appeared again in a book I'm reading.
Imagine living life with 2 hours sleep a day and not being tired? That would give me an extra 3 months a year.
Our essential 8 hourse sleep routine is a myth. Invented in the industrial revolution to suit the 9-5 man.
Different cultures through-out history have had different sleeping patterns. Man can survive on 20 minute naps every 4 hours, it's been proven. The long term side effects are unknown however.... Living on siesta's alone.
The transition from sleeping at night to napping now and then is apparently living hell until your brain readjusts itself but an extra 6 hours in the day would reap so many benifits!
If you don't believe then just google Uberman sleep. For now I need to do more research.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals

My friend recently spoke of the one. She recently meet a guy whom she said "could be the one".
The one is that person who makes you feel needed, indispensable and wants to climb up your butt crack and mate with your ego. I don't blame her for looking out for this guy
Its wired into her brains by TV, Church, Parents etc. to find someone compatible that considers you of their standards and labels it marriage.
Has anyone ever heard of lek mating in animals?
Its when a bunch of male Grouse gather in a field and female Grouse wonder about until they find a suitable alpha male to shag and then leave. Usually this means that maybe 2 male grouse fertilize 50 fighting female grouse. Animals eh?
But is this much different to the TV show "Take Me Out"?
Or 3am in the night club?

Our generation in growing up in a world where men please women and women complain about it...
Why?
Because women wanted equal rights and now your realizing that you got loving men and had more power when you were oppressed.
Not too long ago women waited to be charmed by a nice man, now women hit the streets in packs on Saturday nights and hunt down prince Charming.
Everyday I see a couple where the girl has assumed the role of the alpha male. Supporting her bitch in Chinos that she charmed in the nightclub with her fat ass.

Marriage no longer means happy ever after. Its more like when a stud dog is shagging the bitch in heat and his dick swells up meaning they are briefly stuck together for an awkward moment after sex.... That is animal marriage....
Are we so different?
None of your childhood love stories started with, "he bought me a jaeger bomb".
In every animal there is the gender that chases, charms and courts. Almost always the male.
Women stop chasing after that guy, your only going to upset yourselves.
Someday a guy will love you half as much as his own ego.

Hummingbird, Cupid of the World

Many things in society don't make sense such as our Universal Symbol for love. A red heart which happens to look nothing like the organism that pumps blood around our bodies. I have no idea where this symbol has originated from after all emotions initiate in the brain but then again a valentines day card with a fat brain on the cover might not come across as romantic.

I suggest a new symbol, natures master of flight the "Hummingbird".

Sex comes at a cost you see. When a man spots a fine fertile lady young lady whom he wishes to court and shag then there is expenses. Valentines day is built around the cost of sex. Flowers, Dinner, Chocolate, time etc. Are spent in the process. Many men will claim that they wish to date a woman for the companionship and friendship, I say shut the fuck up. We have friendship with our families and friends. Companionship can be got from a pet goldfish. The ultimate goal of our subconscious is reproduction with the best genes we can whether we deny it or not. We find companionship with our lovers as a by-product of our sexual attraction to them.

The hummingbird symbolizes the cost of sex. Its place in nature is to pollinate ornithophilous flowers.
Some flowers have evolved to various shades of red, orange, and bright pink. This narrow color spectrum may render hummingbird-pollinated flowers relatively inconspicuous to most insects, thereby reducing nectar robbing. The flowers rely on the Hummingbird for sex to occur and so they have co-evolved. Hummingbirds are the middle-man in the sex of flowers, what brings two flowers together to get freaky and so would make a better symbol for our "middle man" of romance.


Of course society has got its many ways to bypass our old fashioned "middle man", for example Fling.com, tequila etc.....

When Insect Pigs Fly

Whilst walking home from work today with a can of Tuborg I was being followed by a hungry bumble bee intrigued by the scent.
Not in the mood to entertain my guest I tried to swat it away but it ducked and dived with skill to avoid my blows.
Bumble bees can only live about 4 weeks at the most yet they master flight so efficiently, it made me wonder. How long does it take us to walk? It took us until the 20th Century to fly but somehow the least aerodynamic and ridiculously fat insect has been flying for millions. Scientists have calculated that the bumble bee shouldn't be capable of flight but yet in its own ignorance it beats its wings 3000 times a minute turning them around at the end of each stroke to get from flower to flower continuing the task set for them by nature.
We might think we are clever but nature is far more wise.

A Corsa's Epitaph

When Lord Dooku knelt at Anakin Skywalkers feet beacuse his lighsabher was lost. Do you think Anakin was wrong to chop his head off?
Dooku was unarmed but he was still a villain and represented the Dark Side of the force.
In a similar fashion am I a murderer for driving an Opel Corsa to its death, knowing the head gasket was gone and the oil flooded with coolant?
The 1.0 Corsa B still had another months test but its a Corsa, the kind of car an aspiring football hooligan might drive.
So no by my logic I did us all a favour by sending her to the scrapyard. Cost me 130 Euro but I made that back off the scrap and alloys and what have I learnt from the experience?

• If its worth its own weight in scrap metal then buy it but don't spend a penny on it.
• Don't buy from a Polish Cowboy (The Sump plug was stuck on with silicone, who does that?)
• 3 cylinders is like a bike with only one pedal, you aren't getting up hills fast!
• Never buy Opel/Vauxhall again (Crap cars and a nightmare to work on)

 Now it can be melted down and upgraded in life to a metal wheel-barrow or something.

Mrs. Annie Jerkins the Scam Artist

Came across a con-artist whilst searching for a flat in Glasgow. Her emails were far too professional and just look at the passport! Faker then Pamela Anderson's tits.
Watch out for annjerkins@hotmail.co.uk. She has been emailing me for a deposit up front before viewing the flat. I told her to give me fellatio, no reply as of yet.

Being a kid just dosen't look fun these days

I think we had it good in the nineties, We came just after the "All I got for Christmas was a jigsaw and an apple" phase and just before the "All I got for Christmas was a smart phone to check in on Facebook wherever I am so Mammy doesn't worry that I've been captured by a sex trafficker" phase.
I remember my days around the age of 10 where my imagination ruled my reality. My week was very straight forward, There was school which was long but the time flew playing tag, sports, bullying the girls and sticking gum underneath tables. The social aspect of my week was Hurling training and games every two or three evenings, a fellow child's birthday party or spotting another kid at mass on a Sunday. The rest of the week was "My Time" to be spent however I pleased.
Time in my room was spent with Lego which today is just not the same. Its all themed like Lego City or Lego Dragons etc. In my day I just had a big box of little bricks and no instructions, you could spend all day trying to make something that resembled absolutely nothing!
TV was so much better too, it wasn't something that made you square eyed and thick as a plank. Star Wars and Pokemon were like Cocaine for your Junkie Imagination, video games were much better too. Who can forget Civilization 2, Age of Empires 2 or Pokemon Red? All Strategy games that could be played over and over again.
Outside there was the woods where I could go hunting in search of a fossil or skeletons (Inspired by Jurassic Park) and collect acorns and chestnuts with my cousin but now the woods are chopped down or there's people parked up in a Corolla Van riding.
Any bit of a hill had to be scaled up and down on bikes, go-karts, Skate Boards until our knees could be seen through our trousers but now you will probably die as every hill has a pothole because our County Council workers seem to all have a rare form of leprosy.
Then there was that friend too who you could hang out with now and then, the one who brought cigarettes to school and whose parents seemed so relaxed. We would play with fire and "Grand Theft Auto San Andreas" but now kids don't have that opportunity because parents no longer see "Sure he's in my class" as a good enough reason to trust another 10 year old. Sure he could introduce their poor little boy to Heroin.
I'm glad to have had my childhood when I did. Life is full of stress for poor kids today compared to just a few years ago, they need to speak about three languages in school, know algebra, understand that there not too be racist, know how to unroll a condom and eat their 5 a day by the time their 10. But the main reason there is no time for climbing trees is because they have to get dolled up for their latest facebook profile picture. If Micheal Jackson's private life tought us one lesson it's that Parents should avoid stressing kids and let them mature in their own time otherwise they end up mad as a bag of cats in heat.

You Can't Deny History

After living in Glasgow for two years I have to wonder are they thought history over there? Every night in any given pub in Glasgow if my accent gets heard then I'm likely to get a lecture on politics from some retired council worker who can speak 5 words of Gaelic but claims to be fluent or some Celtic supporter who puts a drop of lemonade in his larger. Its always the same.


A)"Your like our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"

or

B)"Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"


Ok lets go with statement A first

"Our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"

usually this is followed by "where are you from?"

"Kilkenny"

"Is that North or South?"

Ok well if you have never heard of Ireland's fifth largest city well then sir YOU ARE NOT IRISH


And the Celtic neighbors? Thats a good one. There is no proof that the Celts ever settled in Ireland and why would they come all the way from Central Europe to settle on this Bog? Celtic Ireland was basically just a romantic idea coined in the 20th century for tourism.


Statement B) "Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"

While England has a lot to apologies for, this is hilarious. You see when Northern Ireland was planted back in the 17 century there was no Ryanair so do you think that the English went out of their way to sail thousands up North to the most rebellious and barbaric part of Ireland? Use your common sense of geography here guys.....

The Ulster Protestants/Presbyterians/Orange Order/Unionists are from Scotland not England! Thats why they call themselves Ulster Scots for crying out loud. So next time your dancing around with your watered down larger signing "Fuck the UDA" it might occur that if you are a Scottish Protestant or Presbyterian that they are your Scottish cousins and you can take them back whenever you want.

Music is Free, If its Good I'll go to your Concert

Downloading music from youtube converters and torrent websites is illegal and apparently the music artists don't enjoy the fact that we listen to their hard work this way. No surprise really, the singers with talent complain about everything. Eminem writes 90% of his songs about his mother, the fact he has to tour or his daughters mother. Then there's Adele who screams about how she desperately needs to get a good ride and they also get in a mood when we download their music for free but really why should they be?

Most albums now only have like two or three good songs, usually the ones that were released as singles but the rest is just there to fill the CD.
Most of the money gets spent on heroin which is obvious as most our favorite singers keep kicking the bucket once their knee deep in cash.
Most singers make the best music before their rich, take Kanye West for example, his first two albums were brilliant but then he decided to re-invent the wheel with his own genre of robot singing.

So to put it plain and simple its your own fault Snoop Doggy Dogg, you did go from gangster rapping with Tupac to singing musicals with Katy Perry once you got filthy rich so don't blame me for not buying your music. The disc is about as practical as a leather condom in this day and age of MP3 and latex and about as compact as a kangaroo.

2012 to be F1's Finest Season

I'm loving the Formula 1 season so far with seven different winners in seven races, the unpredictability has me glued to the sky channel. Well done to Hamilton today he's not my favorite but he still put in a great performance,  all it needs now is for Kimi to be crowned comeback king ahead of Schumacher and win a race. He's quite the character unlike some of the other racers who come across almost robot like. I can't imagine Vettel tearing into a curry chip after a night out on the beer for example.

Diamond Jubilee, Why bother?

I really don't understand this whole Royal family hype at all. The money the government must have spent on this Jubilee and the singers at it, Robbie, Kylie, Elton, Cheryl and lots more. Its a far more impressive lineup then any of them Live-Aid charity concerts and for what? Nostalgia? Pride?
Remembrance of an undemocratic time when inbreeds ruled the nation and Britain could claim to own a vast empire spanning across the world colonising America and teaching Indians cricket.

Well today she's basically just an old woman living on welfare except shes in a big fancy house and is given a pointless title, and what has she done to get there? Absolutely nothing, she was born into it. I hope the British tax-payer realises soon what a waste of 67 pence a year the whole thing is, they could use that 67 pence to buy some paper-mache make a crown and declare themselves Duchess of the Playground.

Beware of Green Politics

Extreme idealism and power mix like sambuca and your ATM card (not very well) in fact its a disaster but yet through out history its happened yet again and again and we just don't learn our lesson. Fascists, Communists, Religious Fundamentalists and an idealism born in the 1970s "Green Politics" have been and continue to be let into Governments.
   Idealists all see the world as completely imperfect and strive to build a new one which is perfect (to them). For example Hitler believed the imperfections of the world were caused by people whom he saw as merely subhuman (Jews, Slavic, Gays etc.) and lets just say Africa are very lucky Russia. America and the Spitfire stopped the Nazi's. His Ideology brain-washed a nation and made it OK to murder millions if it ment his Aryan race lived in a "perfect world". Then there's Stalin another idealist who would happily have people who he tought of as selfish (Capitalists) murdered to help achieve his Communist ideology or Castro who single handedly ruined a beautiful Island trying to create his ideal world. So where am I going with this?
  Well I don't think that letting the vegetarians into government means that all non smart-car drivers will be shipped off to concentration camps. I mean to a lesser extent other government problems will be put to the side like say healthcare or unemployment because the lesbian vegetarian President is busy spending money on windmills and a new police force for protecting the fox and enforcing the ban on vintage cars with no catalytic converters. Whilst politicians with aims and goals make good politicians (otherwise their power hungry accountants) ones who view the world as being full of imperfections and speak of radical change to make a better tomorrow for our kids are living in a fantasy world and don't belong in power!
   Don't get me wrong I do believe that stuff like recycling (Got any Scrap Metal lad?) is important but any politician who takes a fold-up bicycle to work and refers to "Fire-men" as "Fire-Fighters" should be let no where near a political party. Just because we have caused so much pollution in the last 2 minutes of geographical time doesn't mean we need to stop everything and save the polar bear. I quite enjoy my lifestyle and like to know I have the freedom to throw my fridge in a lake if I feel like it without having to worry about the death penalty.

Chino Wankers

After seeing yet another group of Chino Wankers today pretending to be drunk I have come to the conclusion that they are all fecking idiots just playing into a stereotype so that they feel part of a gang. Probably because their girlfriends beat them up.

Hell I bet most Chino Wankers were pretend NEDs upto only a week ago but now they just traded their tracksuits in for a pair of chinos because an article on the UNILad facebook page said to.....    

Chino wearing is by no means a statement of being "modern" like they think but instead a statement that you probably live a double life much like in X-Men except instead of having mutant powers you all hump each other whilst listening to shit indie music.
The "Beige Chino" is the colour of excrement stained semen after all.

So next time I'm working and a chino wanker makes a comment that I speak like Brad Pitt in Snatch well I'm going to kick that bi-curious knob-jockie NED right back into his closet.

How Stalling a Car Can Kill Over 60 Million People

Hugh Everett III was an American physicist and also a big nerd who first proposed the many-worlds interpretation of quantum physics, the theory is that there is a very large perhaps infinite number of universes, and everything that could possibly have happened in our past, but did not, has occurred in the past of some other universe or universes. The butterfly effect in other words, so somewhere in another universe Justin Bieber's Father pulled out at the last second or maybe humans are indeed extinct.
   So can something so small as a butterfly change the world enough to merit the existence of a parallel universe? Well did you ever stall a car and wish you hadn't, one tool did and possibly deciding the fate of the human race.....
   Back in 1914 trouble was brewing in Europe and a movement of angry students named "Young Bosnia" planned to assassinate The Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. They had a "lets just kill this son of a bitch" attitude and planned to throw a bomb into Franz's car (pretty straight forward really, except bombs in 1914 were bloody useless) their bomb failed to detonate for a couple seconds and the car behind was blown to shit. The assassin took a cyanide pill which failed to kill him and then he jumped into a 6 foot river and failed to drown (seriously where did they hire this guy!) Against the advice of pretty much everyone Archduke Franz visited the victims of the failed assassination in their hospital beds for a "your missing limbs because of me, sorry I guess" chat and then went back about his daily business. Unfortunately his driver didn't know his way around the part of town which the hospital was in and took a wrong turn then stalling his car outside a small cafe. Who was inside the cafe enjoying a post failed assassination sandwich but a member of "Young Bosnia" named Princip.

If he only knew what shooting the rich bollox in the car would cause.

So seeing the stalled car with Franz outside he quickly rushed out and shot both Franz and his wife from 5 feet away (these guys weren't exactly James Bonds).
    Anyway the death of Franz ment that Serbia and Austria-Hungary went to war but then the sneaky sceret pacts everyone had signed ment World War 1 had started.

Celtic fans steal the Rangers fans trench during WW1

World War 1 leaves economic ruin in Germany and Russia

Communism and Facism rise from the rumble of runined countries, leading to World War 2 and the Cold War.

World War 2 and the final Solution, over 60 million
deaths (2.5% of the World population)

A new sort of weapon is devolped that shakes the Earth

So such a small event as the stalling of Franz's car decided the fate of humanity, everything from the Final Solution, The U.N, Israel, the Moon Landing, Mao, BMW, Stalin to Forrest Gump has branched out from that incident in some way or another.  

 Even in my own Country of Ireland one has to wonder what would Ireland be like today without WW1? Then home rule would have been passed, meaning no 1916 Rising, an Ireland without politicians such as Collins or De Valera is impossible to comprehend. How could an incident in Hungary have such a profound effect on modern Ireland? Its the Butterfly Effect

   How about a Germany without WW1 and the Weimer republic, then Hitler would probably be no more then an Austrian Artist with a terrible moustache. If the many-worlds theory were proven then I know what world I would want to visit first and no doubt it would be a completely different world. Would it be better off do I wonder without two World Wars and the Cold War...... Or would there be a nuclear holocaust? Maybe Saddam Husein puts Churchill on trial for crimes against humanity...... Who knows? The only thing for certain is that chance decides everything, even getting distracted by a butterfly for a few seconds can change the future for everyone.

Linda My Toyota Cynos (Paseo)

My old Toyota Cynos or Paseo if your being awkward was a brilliant car to drive, I called her Linda. I do think naming a car is extremely gay but Linda practically drove herself so she merited a name. First off a bit of background, the Cynos is rare as hen's teeth, it had to be imported from Japan and is more or less a coupe version of the starlet. It comes as a 1.3L or the more sporty 1.5L with a spoiler, alloys and a badge with the name of a Japenese spirit god or something on it, both engines hail from the Toyota E engine family and so almost all engine parts are interchangeable with the Starlet or Corolla. The Cynos looks magnificent and sporty and handles fantastic, they have all the extra electrical perks like electric windows, central locking, power steering, CD player that you would expect from a Japanese car of the nineties. Mine a 1995 would have no problem being sold in the market today, it had everything you could come to expect from a new car.
   On the shit side of things do the interior was designed with the Japanese family in mind, as a result I often felt the roof on my head, or I found my passengers in the bag dead at the end of a journey from pins and needles and theres no way that boot was big enough for a dead body! Parts were impossible to come across, when my window wiper motor broke I had to drive around for two weeks with a shoelace tied to the wiper and one hand out the window getting soaked.
Linda had a badge that said Juno, meaning she was a 1.3L with a 4-speed gearbox, ridiculous I know but it worked great, my 0-60 was fantastic and my fuel economy well she basically ran on the smell of petrol. But the car lacked something.... Unpredictability maybe, it was a great car to drive but also boring. I would have enjoyed the 100hp 1.5L engine a lot more but these are very expensive and insurance companies will rape you seen as it's an import.

The 1.5l engine will slot into a Starlet without much modification.

Linda did eventually meet her destiny, on her side in a ditch (to be fair do it wasn't my fault, it was lashing rain, the sun was in my eyes, there was ice on the road and a cute little poodle ran out in front of the car....) anyway it wasn't the car for me as it lacked something.... Can a car have balls? If so then that's what Linda lacked.

The Toyota Cynos as standard

A modified Cynos which is self-concsious about it's lack of balls