Hummingbird, Cupid of the World

Many things in society don't make sense such as our Universal Symbol for love. A red heart which happens to look nothing like the organism that pumps blood around our bodies. I have no idea where this symbol has originated from after all emotions initiate in the brain but then again a valentines day card with a fat brain on the cover might not come across as romantic.

I suggest a new symbol, natures master of flight the "Hummingbird".

Sex comes at a cost you see. When a man spots a fine fertile lady young lady whom he wishes to court and shag then there is expenses. Valentines day is built around the cost of sex. Flowers, Dinner, Chocolate, time etc. Are spent in the process. Many men will claim that they wish to date a woman for the companionship and friendship, I say shut the fuck up. We have friendship with our families and friends. Companionship can be got from a pet goldfish. The ultimate goal of our subconscious is reproduction with the best genes we can whether we deny it or not. We find companionship with our lovers as a by-product of our sexual attraction to them.

The hummingbird symbolizes the cost of sex. Its place in nature is to pollinate ornithophilous flowers.
Some flowers have evolved to various shades of red, orange, and bright pink. This narrow color spectrum may render hummingbird-pollinated flowers relatively inconspicuous to most insects, thereby reducing nectar robbing. The flowers rely on the Hummingbird for sex to occur and so they have co-evolved. Hummingbirds are the middle-man in the sex of flowers, what brings two flowers together to get freaky and so would make a better symbol for our "middle man" of romance.


Of course society has got its many ways to bypass our old fashioned "middle man", for example Fling.com, tequila etc.....

When Insect Pigs Fly

Whilst walking home from work today with a can of Tuborg I was being followed by a hungry bumble bee intrigued by the scent.
Not in the mood to entertain my guest I tried to swat it away but it ducked and dived with skill to avoid my blows.
Bumble bees can only live about 4 weeks at the most yet they master flight so efficiently, it made me wonder. How long does it take us to walk? It took us until the 20th Century to fly but somehow the least aerodynamic and ridiculously fat insect has been flying for millions. Scientists have calculated that the bumble bee shouldn't be capable of flight but yet in its own ignorance it beats its wings 3000 times a minute turning them around at the end of each stroke to get from flower to flower continuing the task set for them by nature.
We might think we are clever but nature is far more wise.

A Corsa's Epitaph

When Lord Dooku knelt at Anakin Skywalkers feet beacuse his lighsabher was lost. Do you think Anakin was wrong to chop his head off?
Dooku was unarmed but he was still a villain and represented the Dark Side of the force.
In a similar fashion am I a murderer for driving an Opel Corsa to its death, knowing the head gasket was gone and the oil flooded with coolant?
The 1.0 Corsa B still had another months test but its a Corsa, the kind of car an aspiring football hooligan might drive.
So no by my logic I did us all a favour by sending her to the scrapyard. Cost me 130 Euro but I made that back off the scrap and alloys and what have I learnt from the experience?

• If its worth its own weight in scrap metal then buy it but don't spend a penny on it.
• Don't buy from a Polish Cowboy (The Sump plug was stuck on with silicone, who does that?)
• 3 cylinders is like a bike with only one pedal, you aren't getting up hills fast!
• Never buy Opel/Vauxhall again (Crap cars and a nightmare to work on)

 Now it can be melted down and upgraded in life to a metal wheel-barrow or something.

Mrs. Annie Jerkins the Scam Artist

Came across a con-artist whilst searching for a flat in Glasgow. Her emails were far too professional and just look at the passport! Faker then Pamela Anderson's tits.
Watch out for annjerkins@hotmail.co.uk. She has been emailing me for a deposit up front before viewing the flat. I told her to give me fellatio, no reply as of yet.

Being a kid just dosen't look fun these days

I think we had it good in the nineties, We came just after the "All I got for Christmas was a jigsaw and an apple" phase and just before the "All I got for Christmas was a smart phone to check in on Facebook wherever I am so Mammy doesn't worry that I've been captured by a sex trafficker" phase.
I remember my days around the age of 10 where my imagination ruled my reality. My week was very straight forward, There was school which was long but the time flew playing tag, sports, bullying the girls and sticking gum underneath tables. The social aspect of my week was Hurling training and games every two or three evenings, a fellow child's birthday party or spotting another kid at mass on a Sunday. The rest of the week was "My Time" to be spent however I pleased.
Time in my room was spent with Lego which today is just not the same. Its all themed like Lego City or Lego Dragons etc. In my day I just had a big box of little bricks and no instructions, you could spend all day trying to make something that resembled absolutely nothing!
TV was so much better too, it wasn't something that made you square eyed and thick as a plank. Star Wars and Pokemon were like Cocaine for your Junkie Imagination, video games were much better too. Who can forget Civilization 2, Age of Empires 2 or Pokemon Red? All Strategy games that could be played over and over again.
Outside there was the woods where I could go hunting in search of a fossil or skeletons (Inspired by Jurassic Park) and collect acorns and chestnuts with my cousin but now the woods are chopped down or there's people parked up in a Corolla Van riding.
Any bit of a hill had to be scaled up and down on bikes, go-karts, Skate Boards until our knees could be seen through our trousers but now you will probably die as every hill has a pothole because our County Council workers seem to all have a rare form of leprosy.
Then there was that friend too who you could hang out with now and then, the one who brought cigarettes to school and whose parents seemed so relaxed. We would play with fire and "Grand Theft Auto San Andreas" but now kids don't have that opportunity because parents no longer see "Sure he's in my class" as a good enough reason to trust another 10 year old. Sure he could introduce their poor little boy to Heroin.
I'm glad to have had my childhood when I did. Life is full of stress for poor kids today compared to just a few years ago, they need to speak about three languages in school, know algebra, understand that there not too be racist, know how to unroll a condom and eat their 5 a day by the time their 10. But the main reason there is no time for climbing trees is because they have to get dolled up for their latest facebook profile picture. If Micheal Jackson's private life tought us one lesson it's that Parents should avoid stressing kids and let them mature in their own time otherwise they end up mad as a bag of cats in heat.

You Can't Deny History

After living in Glasgow for two years I have to wonder are they thought history over there? Every night in any given pub in Glasgow if my accent gets heard then I'm likely to get a lecture on politics from some retired council worker who can speak 5 words of Gaelic but claims to be fluent or some Celtic supporter who puts a drop of lemonade in his larger. Its always the same.


A)"Your like our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"

or

B)"Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"


Ok lets go with statement A first

"Our Celtic Neighbors sure I'm half Irish"

usually this is followed by "where are you from?"

"Kilkenny"

"Is that North or South?"

Ok well if you have never heard of Ireland's fifth largest city well then sir YOU ARE NOT IRISH


And the Celtic neighbors? Thats a good one. There is no proof that the Celts ever settled in Ireland and why would they come all the way from Central Europe to settle on this Bog? Celtic Ireland was basically just a romantic idea coined in the 20th century for tourism.


Statement B) "Them Basterding English, What they done to Northern Ireland"

While England has a lot to apologies for, this is hilarious. You see when Northern Ireland was planted back in the 17 century there was no Ryanair so do you think that the English went out of their way to sail thousands up North to the most rebellious and barbaric part of Ireland? Use your common sense of geography here guys.....

The Ulster Protestants/Presbyterians/Orange Order/Unionists are from Scotland not England! Thats why they call themselves Ulster Scots for crying out loud. So next time your dancing around with your watered down larger signing "Fuck the UDA" it might occur that if you are a Scottish Protestant or Presbyterian that they are your Scottish cousins and you can take them back whenever you want.

Music is Free, If its Good I'll go to your Concert

Downloading music from youtube converters and torrent websites is illegal and apparently the music artists don't enjoy the fact that we listen to their hard work this way. No surprise really, the singers with talent complain about everything. Eminem writes 90% of his songs about his mother, the fact he has to tour or his daughters mother. Then there's Adele who screams about how she desperately needs to get a good ride and they also get in a mood when we download their music for free but really why should they be?

Most albums now only have like two or three good songs, usually the ones that were released as singles but the rest is just there to fill the CD.
Most of the money gets spent on heroin which is obvious as most our favorite singers keep kicking the bucket once their knee deep in cash.
Most singers make the best music before their rich, take Kanye West for example, his first two albums were brilliant but then he decided to re-invent the wheel with his own genre of robot singing.

So to put it plain and simple its your own fault Snoop Doggy Dogg, you did go from gangster rapping with Tupac to singing musicals with Katy Perry once you got filthy rich so don't blame me for not buying your music. The disc is about as practical as a leather condom in this day and age of MP3 and latex and about as compact as a kangaroo.